Room Without a View

(Originally: Zik and the Salad Lesbians Rent a House)

In case you don't know, there is a weird city called Stin.

Stin is proud to be weird.

There are not too many rules in Stin, but one rule is that names have to be monosyllabic. (The irony is not lost on anyone.)

One day in Stin three Mexster friends decided to set up housekeeping.

Ha ha ha! Stin is in Texas, not Merrie Oulde England. People in Texas do not set up housekeeping. They just find a house and move in.

Dee was a barista and had been away from home the longest. She had a small dog. She also had a roommate with a dog bigger than Dee's car. This dog might as well have been a factory. All day long it manufactured hair, which it faithfully delivered onto every surface of the apartment, including Dee's coffee cups. Even the full ones. Oddly enough, Dee wanted a change.

Lo, the youngest, had only been on her own a short time. She taught dance. She loved to dance. She even danced while she vacuumed. Often nude. Lo liked the music really loud while she did this. Her favorite time for vacuum dancing was in the middle of the day.

Zik was the oldest but had never lived on his own. He threw boxes around for a living. No one knows why but this pays pretty well. Zik felt if he was old enough to get paid to throw boxes and to buy a Harley he was old enough to move out. Zik worked at night and slept during the day. He suggested Lo invest in a pair of ear buds, and wear clothes while dance vacuuming.

 

Lo found the perfect house. Apparently she was a good salesperson because she convinced Dee and Zik to sign the contract before seeing the house.

Lo explained the house to her friends. "It has three bedrooms and two bathrooms. It has a back yard. It has room for dogs... and a garden... and cars and a motorcycle. It's perfect!"

"How big are the bedrooms?" Dee asked.

"Huge!" said Lo. "Well, one is a wee bit smaller. I think Zik should take that because he doesn't have as many clothes."

"How much smaller?" Zik wondered.

Lo laughed. "Only a smidgen. You'll hardly notice."

The big day came, and they met at their new home. Lo showed Dee and Zik the house, and where she would dance and vacuum ("with ear buds," she laughed) and where they would park, and the yard, and where they would have a garden, and where Dee's dog could chase birds and squirrels.

"Ear buds good," Zik smiled. "Clothes good, too."

"Clothes good, too!" Lo laughed back.

Zik stopped abruptly in the middle of where the dog would chase things, wearing a confused expression.

"Wait. I only saw two bedrooms. One was yours and one was yours. Where is mine?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Lo took his hand and pulled him toward the house.

"It's not a closet under the stairs like Harry Potter's? With spiders?"

"Of course not, silly. We don't have stairs."

"What about spiders?"

"No spiders."

"Oh. OK."

They stopped in the kitchen. Lo pointed. "It's in there."

"Where? Under the sink?" Zik laughed.

Lo opened a cabinet door. "Exactly!"

"That's not a bedroom! It's a cabinet! Under a sink!"

"But I put a pillow and blanket in for you!"

Dee stooped and looked in. "It's a lot more room than Kreacher had."

Zik crossed his arms. "That's silly."

There was a brief scuffle. Doors slammed. Dee and Lo stood panting against the cabinets. A muffled cry came from the sink. "Let me out! Spiders!"

 

Eventually Zik got used to his new room.

But he always refused to pay more than 10% of the rent, and every morning he looked hopefully toward the mail slot. Sadly, not a single owl ever came through.

Months later, Zik moved back in with his parents. At least there he had half a linen closet. THE END