(written in Atlanta, GA)
Newbie is a state of mind,
Newbie, he lost in the mine
Oh Newbie, whar you done gone, boy
Newbie now bout six feet down
Newbie is a state of mind,
Newbie is a friend of mine
Newbie he be feelin' fine
Newbie is a state of mine.
Newbie, he lost in his mind
Newbie stepped on the land mine
Newbie's jes' a state of mind
You done blowed up yo'self, little homeboy
Oh Newbie, Leo Fender cast aspersions on yo grave,
In the land of the buffalo and home of the Braves
Like the baseball in this town
Newbie no more nettin' round
Newbie might as well jes' drown
Newbie is a friend of mine
Newbie he be feelin' fine
Newbie is a state of mine.
When We Were Very Young-- or at least when the internet was-- there were things called newsgroups. They were effectively public forums. Each group had a purpose. There was a general set of rules, and some groups had their own rules. Always there was net etiquette, or netiquette.
And inevitably, no matter where you turned, there was a newbie diving in where angels refused to tread. In September, especially, there were vast herds of newbies, outnumbering all the buffalo that ever roamed the Great Plains, doing as much damage as a rampaging stampede. Virtually, anyway.
This was an ode (and a mockery with a side of pathetic, pathological poetry (or at least alliteration)) to newbies in a newsfroup created as a black hole for things and people the rest of the net didn't want to deal with, a newsfroup where various cabals (There Is No Cabal[tm]) and individuals (those we had in spades) were wont to engage in newbie baiting, mockery, pinking, plinking, and scatting.
And of course, Berke Breathed figured prominently in my thoughts as I wrote this. You should be able to see (and hear!) Binkley, Opus, and the rest as you read. If not, you need a good dose of Bloom County. Go read. Now.
Copyright 1989, 2013 Miles O'Neal, Austin, TX. All rights reserved.
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