Ebola, My Love

As I look around at the current Ebola Hysteria, the media-whipped frenzy, the sheer volume of newsless news stories, the hordes of disinformation disseminators, I am confounded. By all that is modern American, why is no one cashing in on this?

Since nobody else has stepped up, I am. You should get in on the ground floor of this venture. No investment is too large, none too small. A dollar a share. Read on, and let your retirement fund drool!

First off, we need to rope in the kids. One of the first attractors is always a high sugar breakfast cereal. Introducing... Ebola[tm] breakfast cereal! The camera zooms in on a couple of terminally cute kids scarfing down their breakfast cereal, along with milk or a bright red energy drink. It zooms in further to a spoon coming out of a nearly emptied bowl. The spoon is full of milk, and three pieces of cereal- each in a (simplified) classic ebola virus shape.

The girl finishes just ahead of the boy as the camera pulls back.

In unison, they chant, "Mom! I want a bowl o' Ebola!"

Their Dad lowers his paper and looks at them.

"Please!" They call. Dad smiles, the paper goes back up, and Mom tells them to get it themselves; she's late for work.

As soon as the profits start rolling in, we hit the market with the dolls and action figures, just in time for the Holiday shopping insanity. Dolls? Dolls! Cute kids, bats, doctors and nurses, people in hazmat suits, angry American voters with pitchforks and torches, the works.

Ebola brand clothes for everyone from newborns to old folks; I predict the Ebola[tm] polo shirts will outsell Izod[tm] for at least a few months. Calvin Klein and Polo will be playing catch up.

We'll hold a contest; the winner gets a tour of the Presbyterian Dallas hospital's ebola ward,. complete with a custom biohazard suit in the colors of their choice, which they get to keep-- assuming their hometown lets them come back at all.

Last but not least, console and phone games. The flagship will be Ebola Wars, where everyone races to weaponize and deliver ebola to wipe out their enemies. Hydra would be proud.

This is American profiteering at its best. Don't get left behind!