The Interview Process From Heck

Not long after I got my first, full time software job at JHK & Associates I was given the task of^[1] finding new employees. I'd never done anything like this. My bosses hadn't done much and didn't care for it so it fell to me. Ex nihilo, I had a week to:

1. come up with a list of job requirements;
2. have one of the admins get them in the appropriate papers (there was no internet);
3. completely revamp the application form;
4. develop a test to screen out posers and help rank people with a clue;
5. get the first applicants screened;
6. make a recommendation to hire.

And by the way, the software delivery schedule can't slip.

Somehow I did it. I probably violated the letter of a couple of federal laws in terms of questions on the application, but we had no evil intentions. Nobody every complained, and we never discriminated on any basis other than technical, leadership, and whether they might be psycho. We learned the last one the hard way, but that story will have to wait.

The test was the hardest part for me. We didn't want to scare people off. We would want this to work for a wide array of positions from entry level to senior. I was quite proud of the result; it served us well for the several years I stayed and they used it long after I left. I wish I still had it.

Some people, of course, don't test well. We always used the test as a starting point for discussion. We hired people who didn't do well on the test. We passed on people who aced it. But that was all over time. The way my first two interviewees reacted to the test, coupled with my lack of experience, made for a hairy couple of days.

These both happened to be women; we'll get to some weird guy interview stories, too. Their names are (AFAIK) fictitious; I certainly don't remember names this many years later. Just their faces.

Interviewee number one was a recent grad from the University of Georgia. They had a good computer program, but it was aimed more at business, focusing on COBOL and maybe BASIC. We were an engineering shop focusing on FORTRAN and assemble languages. As Mary sat down and handed me the test she looked dejected. "I don't think I did very well."

She'd done well on the software engineering questions but got nothing at all on the FORTRAN questions (we had emphasized FORTRAN in the ads). "No, not really. Have you had any FORTRAN at all?"

"No." She looked at the desk. "They told me when I majored in CS that COBOL was all anyone wanted!"

"I'm sorry. I know there are plenty of COBOL jobs around, but this isn't one."

"This was the only programming job in the paper this week! I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm sorry. Thank you for your time and honesty."

I shook her hand and she left, a tear sliding down one cheek. I started to write things up. A moment later I noticed her run past my window. Seconds later one of the admins was in my doorway with her hands on her hips. "Miles! What did you do to her?"

"Nothing. Why?"

"She went past my desk sobbing like her heart was breaking, and ran out the door! I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't stop."

I explained what had happened. Nancy said, "I guess that's why most companies don't tell you anything on site; they call back."

Lesson #1: Never tell an interviewee they haven't got the job unless you are prepared to deal with the fallout!

The next evening we had a woman from another culture interviewing. The test was designed to take 10-15 minutes; she was in my office after five. "This is a stupid test." She flung it down.

Sara had answered less than half the questions. Even some of those were not complete answers.

"I have a masters in computer science. Do you have a masters in computer science?"

"No, but anyone with the knowledge we asked for in the ad should know this." Given that I had not finished my undergrad degree, and that I had friends who had not graduated who could do the test in their sleep, I knew this was true. Both my bosses had Masters degrees but they were quite happy with both my knowledge and the test.

Sara wasn't really interested in discussion; she wanted to browbeat me into giving her the job! After two or three minutes, Tom stepped in from next door. "Could you please hold it down? And, ma'am, if you don't like it, you don't have to stay."

She left in a huff, but first demanded we return every piece of paper to her. I finally gave her the resume back, but the application and test were ours, and she wasn't getting them. She left mumbling vague threats. Tom came back in my office. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah. I lost control of that one."

"You sure did."

"What would you have done?"

He laughed. "Probably been a lot ruder a lot faster if I'd been in your chair."

Lesson #2: Maintain control of the interview, and don't even bother with people with bad attitudes. For those, ignore lesson 1. Just send them on their way.

Helene, our other admin, came down after this one to make sure I was OK. She'd heard it forty feet down the hall, and apparently Sara glared daggers at everyone on her way out. She let them know she wasn't happy, she had her resume, and we should be sued because we were so stupid. I guess I still looked a bit stunned; Helene have me a hug.

To be continued...

 

NOTES
[1] I realize that modern business English would shorten "given the task of" to "tasked with". I still find this mildly annoying. Besides, my phrasing is historically accurate.