Christmas Gifts for the Insanely Rich Guy Who Has Everything

Once upon a time I worked for one of the absolute top tier retail chains, the sort of chain that wouldn't let a sitting president or their spouse shop because they might actually have worked for a living at some point. I'm not going to name it, but in 1975 I believe the only place fancier was one known for having something in its Christmas Catalog for the Man Who Has Everything. Let's call that one Notoriously Monied.

So what might they sell for the Man Who Has Everything? All manner of things, as it turns out. Here are a few samples.

1. a seriously exclusive, custom car (1979);
2. a solid gold lighter (1985);
3. a rare pet (2001).

"Big deal," you say, and roll your eyes. Not so fast, dudo or duda. Read on before you step in it any deeper. FAQ

1. A car? Really?
   A car. Really. The car Enzo Ferrari always wanted to build but his accountants and lawyers screamed, "NO!" along with his wife, Laura. But after her 1978 death he decided to build something special for the NM Christmas Catalog and to heck with the lawyers and bean counters. The result was a car sporting a Merlin jet engine from a front line British fighter. The seat, like a Soviet space capsule crash couch, was molded to the owner's body before being hand covered in extra virgin unicorn hide. This wasn't just a fancy car; this was a fancy car that would leave the Batmobile a smoldering pile of slag at the starting line. Every driver in America wanted one, but a 1957 Ferrari Testa Rosa (the basis for the NM car's body style) was cheaper and easier to find. Ferrari made one per store. The Ferrari Ego sold out five minutes before it officially announced.
2. A solid gold lighter? Big deal.
   Big deal, indeed! Ten kilograms of 24 carat gold. Shaped like a sphinx, it could be used as a lighter, a welding or cutting torch (not that its owners cared), a flamethrower, or a hot air balloon engine. But wait! There's more! Hidden on the base was a button with a number (13) covered in a diamond crystal and set in a titanium bezel. It contained a (rare) 13th floor elevator button. Depressing it opened a portal and the owner (it was keyed to their soul) was whisked away to a dead man's party with Oingo Boingo. Most made it back. Few cared to repeat the experience. But it was theirs. This was possibly their most popular Everything item.
3. A pet? What kind of pet?
   Good, I see you have learned caution. Obviously not just any pet, but a rare pet of unknown origin. As in not of this planet and time. Seriously unknown as far as we are concerned. The instructions highly recommended not disabling the force field as violent death and further chaos and destruction might occur. While the cute 8" to 12" glowing lizard things looked harmless, it was alien enough no one disabled the force field. Sadly, this meant the creatures all died within a week but then the owners still had something rare; until then only federal governments had possessed dead space aliens. I just hope these were truly wild predators and not ambassadors from a technologically superior culture who would have helped us feed the planet, find peace, and cure the flu. Because who knows what they'd do now?

That took more time and words than expected, so you'll just have to wait to hear the tales of a hippie in a store too expensive to care about hip.