If I Had a Pocket Lawnchair

For Mark Heard & Bruce Cockburn

The OOGling Anthem

by Miles O'Neal

This is all the fault of Gregory Simmons & Kyle Cheek from the notorious ``Orphans of God'' mailing list...

    here comes the riding mower -- second time today
    all the fescue seed scatters - it'll never go away
    why we don't just concrete over it, only God can say
    if i had a pocket lawnchair...i'd wait for the bus all day

    i don't believe in regulated networks, or care about commerce interstate
    i don't believe in telcos and their exhorbitant data line rates
    and when i talk with the survivors of things too sickening to relate
    if i had a pocket lawnchair...i'd leave them to their fate

    in the AOL chatrooms one hundred thousand wait
    to fall from speed starvation -- or some less humane fate.
    cry for busy modems, with all trunks busy, wait
    if i had a pocket lawnchair...i would just stagnate

    i want to meet Victoria -- at least i've got to try.
    i haven't met Bob or JenMuse, it brings tears to my eye.
    or Mark or Ti or gingerine, and i can't afford to fly
    without a pocket lawnchair...i'll just curl up and die

    19 Aug 1996
    Miles O'Neal

If you're wondering why the ``Orphans of God''- a mailing list revolving around the music of Mark Heard- has as its anthem a parody of a song by another artist, you didn't know Mark very well.

Strike One!

haiku factory strike
replacements still train, old writers
are pick[et]ing at scabs

Put the Lime in the Coconut, Verbena

Most of you will be familiar with Harry Nilsson's song, "Put the Lime in the Coconut", a song that has long perplexed historians. This week I found a new clue thanks to Body & Bath Works, but I'm not sure it didn't obfuscate things even more. BB&W has a soap named "Lime Coconut Verbena". Clearly this is a cleverly coded reference to Harry's Enigma, as serious historians are wont to call the song.

But who or what is Verbena? Several possibilities come to mind.

• Verbena is the girl Harry^[1] wrote the song about. Harry is simply telling a story of something he saw in the islands while living there for tax purposes.
• Verbena is a former lover who drove Harry to drugs. The lyrics make a lot more sense if seen as a product of hallucinogens.
• BB&W has discovered that- as Elton John had Bernie Taupin- Nilsson had a collaborator named Verbena. This begs the question why Harry never wore big glasses^[3], clearly the secret of Elton's success. It also prompts us to wonder at Verbena's first name. My guess is Coconut, certainly a name one might wish to eliminate. Or perhaps her entire name is Lime Coconut Verbena.
• Verbena^[4] is the missing ingredient in a drink many made in hopes it would induce the same sort of hallucinogenic ecstasy that clearly brought about the lyrics of this song.

Some of you may feel I have played fast and loose with what is and isn't known about this song and its creator, but I promise I have used the same rigorous fact checking techniques Congress uses when passing laws and budgets. Assuming you can remember back when Congress actually passed budgets.

Come to think of it, if Verbena was a subtle reference to Congress rather than a woman, suggestion 2 above seems even more likely.

 

NOTES
1 Nilsson, not Potter.^[2]
2 There are no known recordings of Harry Potter singing this song.
3 Clearly Nilsson, as Potter had big glasses.
4 The flower, not the well known woman mentioned above.

All I want for Christmas is to not be a hula girl

Several (or perhaps a couple of several) years ago, we had a party at Church. I don't recall for sure; was probably New Years Eve. Possibly 2000.

At any rate, a young Courtney Calkins (age 7 or 8?) wanted to sing during the "talent show" part of the festivities, but was feeling sort of shy. Someone- possibly her mom, Camil- came up with the bright idea that if some the men in her life danced behind her, it would help. In grass skirts. And maybe coconut bras (I don't recall that part for sure). More likely the whole thing was a plot to trick us softies into dancing like hula girls. If so, we fell for it hook like, and sinker.

Court's uncle Mario, her (adoptive) uncle Miles, George Castillo, and Darrell Childers all donned our costumes and made up hula-like moves (we hoped) behind her on stage, framed by tiny Christmas lights, while Courtney sang, "All I want for Christmas is a hippopotamus".

The stage was crowded; we bumped into one another (sometimes in ways probably not appropriate for church, but there was no *intentional* groping or doing the bump). Near the end of the song, my skirt caught on a nail holding the lights, and ripped off.

Most of the applause was for Courtney, but I think the skirt got some, too.

 

(Yes, I was wearing pants beneath the skirt. This is Texas, not Hawaii.)

Interview with Tony Stark

Special interview by Anonymous

The billboards on I35 led me exactly where I wanted to go:

STARK WAREHOUSE SALE

I hadn't even realized Stark Industries had a presence in Austin, but there it was. With more security than the President of the United States and Jennifer Lawrence combined.

The building was chock full of slightly outdated Stark tech: older arc reactors (palladium is so passe, regardless of the output); Jericho missile prototypes; souped up exotic cars and planes needing repairs; propulsion systems; miniature rocket launchers; body armor; the list goes on.

I had, of course, gone incognito. Like half the people there I was in an Iron Man costume, with large quantities of laundered cash on my person. One doesn't really like to attract SHIELD's attention.

Imagine my surprise when I tapped a salesman on the shoulder to ask a question, only to find myself face to face with the man himself, Tony Stark!

"Mr. Stark! It's you!. I mean, I didn't expect to find you here..."

"I didn't, either."

"I don't mean to gush, but I'm probably your biggest fan."

"Nope. Not even close. I am. Now, what can I do for you?"

"But why are you here?"

"We get all sorts of people in here. Half of them are dumber than a Hammer. I want to make sure people know exactly what they're buying. Pepper says it plays hell with stock prices when someone lights up their new "arc reactor" but it turns out to be a personal neutron bomb killing everyone in a three block radius. Or, conversely, they light off a Jericho prototype to stave off invasion by hundreds of feral hogs, but it's a chemical agent dispenser full of pig pheromones.

"Not only do those sorts of things cost us millions, but I end up testifying before Congress, and if there's one thing I hate more than people taking my stuff, it's wasting time before that pompous, self-inflated windbag who heads the Crucify Tony Stark Committee.

"Now, were you going to buy something?"

At this point the discussion got technical. I don't think I want to say just what I bought, but let's just say that if it could grow up it would expect to be an Insight hellicarrier. But don't worry, because the targeting system only goes after really bad musicians. I asked Tony what his definition of "really bad" was in this context.

"If Obadiah Stane liked the music, it needs to go. At this point, the only bands I'm 100% sure are safe are Black Sabbath, AC/DC, and probably U2."

"What about the Rolling Stones?"

"Have you heard them lately? Lame-o. I think they're probably a big influence on Miley Cyrus."

Gotcha. Nuff said.

OK, SHIELD. Try and track this!

Poll Taxing

I have been registered for years to be involved in online surveys with a well known, top tier survey company. The parent company is best known for TV ratings. In general, their online polls are very professionally done. But occasionally they work as a vehicle for an outside agency (with all sorts of disclaimers to this effect, for reasons that will become apparent). Tonight I was rejected by not one, but two, of these outside pollsters for reasons unknown, but related to personal data (age, income, type of work, age of cars, etc.)

The silliest question I have seen in a while follows. Note the range of answers and then explain the last two. I suppose either of those could include "I don't know" which is technically a legitimate answer, but it seems unlikely there would be enough of those to matter.

Which of the following pets are present in your household?
Please select all that apply
    Cat(s)
    Dog(s)
    Bird(s)
    Fish
    Amphibians (frogs, toads, etc.)
    Small animals or rodents (hamsters, mice, rabbits, ferrets, etc.)
    Reptiles (turtles, snakes, lizards, etc.)
    Horse(s)
    I do not have any pets
    Other
    None of the above

And why did they ask my age right after asking my birthday? It's the internet. I bet if you're clever, you can find today's date and compute my age.[1]

But the best, the very best part of it all, was the text that I could neither copy and paste nor get a screen shot of[2] because they disabled such shenanigans. This survey led off with a set of statements to the effect that I could not discuss anything from the survey with anyone, especially online in any shape or fashion. Neither could my family. It then claimed to be a legally binding contract. I forget the penalty, but the whole effect was highly entertaining, although someone who didn't know better would probably feel Extremely and Properly Warned. Sadly, I did not qualify for their survey so all I can illegally discuss here is their "legally binding contract" and that I Did Not Qualify. But I have high hopes that those two offenses will get Alcatraz to re-open. I could be the Bird Man for a while.

They spelled everything correctly (bonus points for correct use of "your", along with "ferrets" and "lizards") and they put a period on the end of "etc." This puts them ahead of at least 20% of everything posted to the internet.

NOTES
[1] If not, you just may be in the wrong business.
[2] At least on that window; I didn't think to get an entire screen shot and cut that part out.

Zombie Ball

I lost interest in sports years ago, especially pro sports. I still enjoy a game if I know someone playing; this generally restricts me to high school and younger teams.

When our kids decided they wanted to play, I got interested in their sports. I went to all their home games and whatever away games I could make. The first year both Esther and Josiah played basketball I decided to give pro ball a chance again as well. I didn't even recognize what I saw. The uniforms were huge and baggy and silly looking, but the biggest problem was the play.

Or lack thereof. Both teams plodded back and forth, individuals taking turns showing off like a bunch of junior high kids who'd all just moved to the neighborhood, wanting attention but not really caring that much about the game or teamwork.

I couldn't tell you what was going on in their heads, but I can tell you what it looked like from my vantage point.

"I have arrived! I am the star. I don't have to break a sweat unless I want to. I'm the coolest dude around, and cool dudes don't have to sweat. All these cats out there paid to see me so I'll mosey around. occasionally make a break, and then show off my trick shot. I don't make as many as I used to, but so what? I'm cool and stuff."

And then, perhaps because he was busy imagining he was admiring himself in a mirror or on a giant screen TV (since the league allowed neither on the court), he'd accidentally commit a foul-- perhaps tripping, kneeing, pantsing, or scuffing an opponent's hair. The latter usually resulted in a full brawl between the teams, although nobody ever got hurt and the coaches' starched shirts and ties never even looked ruffled.

College ball, on the other hand, was very good. Collegiate players showed a passion the high school teams understood but the pros had forgotten. They were, of course, much better than the high school teams. I'm not sure that was the case with most of the pros. I once sat bemused in Mr Gatti's, watching two teams of million dollar babies mope up and down the court for foul shots at least a dozen times in a row without more than a couple of seconds of play between each set of fouls. I really think Josiah's team could have beat either of them. Esther's team, despite a severe height disadvantage, could have beat them.

I haven't watched much in the way of basketball since our kids finished at Hilltop, but the few moments of pro ball I've noticed lately suggests that either someone lit a fire under those guys or those college players graduated and took over the pros. Either way, the recent games looked like pro ball again.

But everything I see on social media about this year's college brackets suggests the college teams have caught whatever disease the pros had a decade ago. I hope someone comes up with a vaccine soon, and offers it to the high schoolers before they catch it. Zombies and basketball just don't mix.