Interview with Tony Stark

Special interview by Anonymous

The billboards on I35 led me exactly where I wanted to go:

STARK WAREHOUSE SALE

I hadn't even realized Stark Industries had a presence in Austin, but there it was. With more security than the President of the United States and Jennifer Lawrence combined.

The building was chock full of slightly outdated Stark tech: older arc reactors (palladium is so passe, regardless of the output); Jericho missile prototypes; souped up exotic cars and planes needing repairs; propulsion systems; miniature rocket launchers; body armor; the list goes on.

I had, of course, gone incognito. Like half the people there I was in an Iron Man costume, with large quantities of laundered cash on my person. One doesn't really like to attract SHIELD's attention.

Imagine my surprise when I tapped a salesman on the shoulder to ask a question, only to find myself face to face with the man himself, Tony Stark!

"Mr. Stark! It's you!. I mean, I didn't expect to find you here..."

"I didn't, either."

"I don't mean to gush, but I'm probably your biggest fan."

"Nope. Not even close. I am. Now, what can I do for you?"

"But why are you here?"

"We get all sorts of people in here. Half of them are dumber than a Hammer. I want to make sure people know exactly what they're buying. Pepper says it plays hell with stock prices when someone lights up their new "arc reactor" but it turns out to be a personal neutron bomb killing everyone in a three block radius. Or, conversely, they light off a Jericho prototype to stave off invasion by hundreds of feral hogs, but it's a chemical agent dispenser full of pig pheromones.

"Not only do those sorts of things cost us millions, but I end up testifying before Congress, and if there's one thing I hate more than people taking my stuff, it's wasting time before that pompous, self-inflated windbag who heads the Crucify Tony Stark Committee.

"Now, were you going to buy something?"

At this point the discussion got technical. I don't think I want to say just what I bought, but let's just say that if it could grow up it would expect to be an Insight hellicarrier. But don't worry, because the targeting system only goes after really bad musicians. I asked Tony what his definition of "really bad" was in this context.

"If Obadiah Stane liked the music, it needs to go. At this point, the only bands I'm 100% sure are safe are Black Sabbath, AC/DC, and probably U2."

"What about the Rolling Stones?"

"Have you heard them lately? Lame-o. I think they're probably a big influence on Miley Cyrus."

Gotcha. Nuff said.

OK, SHIELD. Try and track this!

Faded Love Reignited (Music I Used to Love)

I hate it when I don't listen to one of my favorite bands for a while.

I love it when I don't listen to one of my favorite bands for a while and then start listening again.

I love it when I hear something I used to love, and I still love it.

I hate it when I hear something I used to love and now it just makes me cringe. "Really? I used to like that? No, I didn't. ARGH! I did! Bleah! Dog germs! I need antiseptic!" (Sorry, We just watched Charlie Brown the other night. Like good music, it's still both hysterical and poignant. I live for Snoopy kissing Lucy.)

So, here are a few songs or bands from my teens I listened to this past year for the first time in anywhere from a few years to thirty or more, and my reactions.

Red Rubber Ball The Cyrkle) - A brilliant pop song that spoke perfectly to a 14year old (it still got a lot of airplay a few years after it came out). Even though I hadn't really had a girlfriend since the 5th grade, I knew rejection. This carried me through the typical teenaged angst. I remember several glorious Sunday mornings on my paper route when this song was being played just as the sun came up. "Oh, I think it's gonna be alright. Yes, the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball..." And those jangly guitars! A big thumbs up,

Timothy (The Buoys) - I guess the basic pop structure of this song is pretty good, but the strings and horns are kind of heavy compared to the rock and roll instruments. The lyrics are pretty inane, and the thing sounds like it was recorded through a cheap, transistor radio. I suspect I mainly liked it for the sense of macabre. How many songs are about eating a friend to survive, and not even remembering it? "Bleah! Dog germs! I need antiseptic!"

The Grass Roots - Urgh. More inane lyrics, these aimed squarely at love struck teens. On the other hand, while the songs were somewhat typical pop, their rocky songs at least had an irresistible, driving beat, and some of the best horn arrangements and playing of the genre. Grill had some great bass riffs, too. Again, the recordings were geared toward cheap radios. I can enjoy some of their music; I just have to ignore the production and many of the lyrics (tough, but I manage).

The 1910 Fruitgum Company - I loved these guys. I had their 1, 2, 3, Red Light album. Only a couple of trusted girl friends (not girlfriends) knew I liked it; everyone else I knew would have spit on it (and me) if they'd known. Today, the closest thing to a redeeming feature of this album is "The Mighty Quinn". No, I take that back. Even this cover is painful to listen to (I just tried). What can I say? I was twelve. Hormones and insecurities will do this to you.

The Chicago Transit Authority (The Chicago Transit Authority( - Also known as CTA and Chicago, the first of many, self-titled albums by the Band Latterly Known As Chicago, was too progressive and short on love songs and simple songs about peace and love, and too instrumental for most people. This was the album that vindicated my choice of trombone, and made me realize how far I had to go in learning to play that as well as the guitar. While 99% of the world prefers their later albums, this, for me, is still THE Chicago album. The songs, the harmonies, the blend of traditional and experimental, the gripping horns, the searing lead guitar, they all grab me and drag me into the stereo today as vividly as they did in 1969. Four thumbs up- big toes count. (To this day, when anyone mentions "I'm a Man", it's the Chicago song that comes to mind.)

Black Sabbath - Their first four albums still blow me away. I can still listen to those straight through, back to back, over and over. Or just put one on repeat. There are several songs per album I could have sworn were Top 40 hits because I heard them so often. Most of them weren't, but they got a lot of airplay in Augusta, and a lot of stereo play at Martin O'Rourke's house and mine. They were one of the bands that defined the word "heavy" as it pertained to music. And if you ever get a chance to hear Paranoid in headphones while on laughing gas, do it! It's worth a root canal (if you have insurance).

Yes - I didn't hear their early albums for years, but bought Fragile and Close to the Edge on a whim when they came out on CD. How did I ever quit listening? Together with The Yes Album, I could while away a week with nothing else on the stereo (and have). "Starship Troopers" and "Roundabout" still make me want to get up and dance. "Cans and Brahms" still brings back the smells of dorms at Georgia Tech, the vivid reds and blues of Rich Sachleben's room. Far from "not a bad song in the bunch", there's not even a merely good song in the bunch. They're all great.

 

So, what music did you like years ago? What has held up and what hasn't? What did you listen to then that appalls you now?