29 March 2013

Kids: How to Tell if a Possum is Really Dead or Just Faking

  1. Pick it up by the tail.
  2. Shake it.
  3. Drop it into a large pot of boiling water on the stove.
  4. Watch possum scream, jump out of pot, and run hide somewhere in your house.
  5. Watch Mom freak out.
  6. Pack some clothes and run for your life.
Was it worth it?

All I know is I wish I could have tried this!

26 March 2013

Changing of the Guard

For Sharon, Esther, Josiah and Raine the Paine

(with apologies to A. A. Milne, Christopher, Pooh (the swan and the bear), and especially Hoo)

Brought to you by Simpers, the disposable diaper favored by Beefeaters everywhere.

Author's foreward:
This is NOT, repeat NOT, a political statement. Like most of my work, it has a "life" of its own, and surprised even me with the ending.
They're changing the guard at Buckingham Palace
 Christopher Robin was told by Alice
  They're going to throw the old ones away
   And install the newer models today
    Said Alice.

We'll scavenge some guards from Buckingham Palace
 Christopher Robin shouted to Alice
  The old ones have dried out from too much sun
   And their marching's as rusty as their old guns,
    Dear Alice.

We'll fix up the guards from Buckingham Palace
 Christopher Robin heard from Alice
  Though their hats are growing a black fuzzy mold
   To us they'll be worth their weight in gold
    Said Alice.

Go grab us a dozen from Buckingham Palace
 We'll use them to clean up the yard said Alice
  We'll have them do dishes and pick up the floor
   I won't lift a finger again for a chore
    Sang Alice.

They're KEEPING the guards at Buckingham Palace
 Christopher Robin heard sobbed by Alice
  They've oiled them all, hydrated them, too
   And I've heard they're coming to look for you
    Shrieked Alice.

Say hi to the guards from Buckingham Palace
 Christoper Robin whispered to Alice
  And don't press the trigger until they arrive
   I'm ever so sorry that you'll not survive
    Dear Alice.

You do hate the guards at Buckingham Palace
 Christopher Robin, I know, said Alice
  But why leave me tied in this house with a nuke
   And expect me to die here like some kind of kook?
    Cried Alice.

I do hate the guards from Buckingham Palace
 My name's really Shamus O'Leary, dear Alice
  I'll never be getting a shot at the queen
   With all of those silly old guards in between,
    My Alice.

They were changing the guards at Buckingham Palace
 When numerous pieces of Shamus and Alice
  Came raining down in a nuclear glow
   Thanks to a patriot you'll never know
    Named Alice.

Copyright 1989, 1993 Miles O'Neal, Austin, TX. All rights reserved.

23 March 2013

Probably the World's Only Song About Gall Stones

This was written on the fly in one take and recorded on my desktop keyboard in the office. Sorry about the quality; you may need to squint to hear it. They always say, "We'll fix it in the mix" but that almost never works.

(Fast paced, modern country song with prominent guitars)

Mama had her gall stones out;
She kept them in a jar.
They looked like big, fat olives
So I put them on the bar.

One day we found our drunk Aunt Tess
Unconscious on the floor...
Mama saw the empty jar
And bolted for the door!

Daddy called up nine one one.
They came and got Aunt Tess.
While she was in the ambulance
She threw up on her dress.

They pumped her out and dumped the stones
In a bio-hazard bin,
But she could smell the alcohol
And downed them all again!

(guitar break: 16 bars sizzling telecaster,
16 bars soaring steel guitar, 16 bars duel and duet)

Tess no longer drinks martinis,
Mom feels really bad.
But Tess told me, "Those olives were
The best I ever had!"

"Nothing can compare with those."
But soon she'll have some more;
The doc took my gall bladder out,
And I'm still kinda sore.

My stones are all the size and shape
My Mom remembers well.
I'll put the jar upon the bar
And never, ever tell!

(guitar solo, fade)

Dedicated to Betty Castleberry, who wrote in her blog that there are no songs about gall stones.

19 March 2013

Old Age and Treachery, Lesson 1

A friend (let's call him Jack) who is hardly a senior citizen was given a senior citizen "free drink" at a fast food chain today. He then observed:

"Just try and get a refill. The machine is behind the counter and all of these young whippersnappers are ahead of me..."

My response? ``If you have chosen to grow up (you fool!) you must learn the wisdom of the ages: "Old age and treachery beats youth and skill every time."''

This (true) example above is an easy introduction into this way of thinking. Let's first take the case where the soda machine is not behind the counter, simply because the reaction is more fun.

Jack: "Look out! There's a brown recluse on that handle!"
(stampede away from the machine)
Jack: "You have to drown them in Diet Dr. Pepper. I'll just refill my cup and..." (refill) "...flick her in..." (flick imaginary spider into cup). "Now, you wait three seconds, and she's dead and neutralized, and you don't even have to waste the drink!" (slurp)
(Youngster's eyes get really wide. At least one goes, "Gross!")

But in Jack's case, where the soda machine is behind the counter, the basic strategy still works.

Jack: "Look out! There's a brown recluse on that handle!"
(crowd moves nervously back from the counter)
Jack: "Sorry,. my mistake. That's just a speck on the handle. But since I'm here, more Diet Dr. Pepper, please!"

04 March 2013

Diamonds Are A Girl's Worst Nightmare

I found out a little while back you can have your dearly departed's ashes compressed into a diamond. Seriously!

I got to wondering... If a guy's wife died, would he want to keep her around as a different sort of jewel than before? Then it hit me. What if he remarried? He could save money on an engagement ring and keep both wives! If he had the old one set into a new ring, that would be the old and new thing his new bride wore for the ceremony. "Yes, honey, that diamond is like a part of the family."

Of course, if she ever found out, he might end up with his former wife embedded in his forehead. This would give new meaning to the phrase, "always on my mind".

Or a Mom could give her former hubbie to her daughter at the point boys started noticing her. "Just remember, baby, your Daddy is always right there with you."

I am assuming, of course, that the raw material for each diamond is legally cremated. But if this technology fell into the wrong hands we could start seeing illegal diamond labs. Criminals, unhappy spouses, politicians, and parents who don't get their teenagers would love this. Pawn shops would be full of people who simply disappeared. You can't get DNA from a diamond.

Therefore I propose that the government turn this whole thing over to the same National Security Agency team responsible for disappearing the 100MPH carburetor. Soon the idea of turning Aunt Suzy into a diamond would be seen as just another conspiracy theory.

Aunt Suzy will sleep a lot better.