Top 12 Reasons Sara Was Late to Work

A friend named Sara realized she was going to be late for work and asked for help coming up with excuses. I offered these.

1) I was hit by a drunk in a pickup and left for dead, but fortunately a lightning strike brought me back to life. The lightning was too late for me to be on time, but at least I'm here.

(This will sell better if you singe your eyebrows first.)

2) The dog ate my alarm clock.

3) I spent the past 24 hours stranded between two low water crossings on Brushy Creek. I'm only here now because I finally was able to make a life raft from styrofoam sea turtles tied together with hair from the back of a dead pirate that floated by.

4) My alarm clock electrocuted my dog and I was tied up with the Humane Society and county inspectors for several hours.

5) I went to sleep in my room but woke up floating in Lake Travis. It was only an hour ago that the helicopter rescued me and flew me home. I'd have come straight here, but a vulture had puked on me and I figured you'd want me to wash that and the duckweed off first.

6) Some dork named Miles kept posting on my wall and I lost track of time.

7) I was protesting the guy who wants to burn the Korans and a bunch of military families kidnapped me and took me to Killeen for a parade in my honor. I had to sneak out or I'd still be there eating Buffalo Wild Wings and giving speeches.

8) I was protesting the guy who wants to burn the Korans when a bunch of Islamic terrorists kidnapped me and took me to a secret mosque in a bus buried in Waco for a dinner in my honor. I had to sneak out or I'd still be there eating something that reminded me of pork (but I wasn't about to say that) and giving speeches.

9) I was busy burning Korans when the fire department showed up and cited me for violating the burn ban. Then I had to explain to them how I could burn anything that wet. It was tough because I had run out of lighter fluid.

10) I was busy burning Korans when some preacher from Florida kidnapped me and tried to marry me. I only got away by reading Song of Solomon to him in the original Hebrew. He got so excited he burst into flames, which took care of the rest of the Korans.

11) I was busy beating up Miles for constantly spelling Qur'an wrong and I lost track of time. I'll finish up after my shift.

12) If they don't buy any of those, just shoot the clock and glare at them meaningfully. This is Texas.