Top 10 Reasons North Korea Threatened to Nuke austin

10) Pyongyang isn't on the list of Chuys openings this year.
9) TXDOT figured a nuclear war was cheaper than building all the roads we need, so they slipped him some money to help out.
8) He's still mad about Dallas going off the air, but forgot the city name.
7) Translation error; they meant to nuke Boston.
6) He's jealous of Rick Perry's hair.
5) We've been in the news a lot lately (SXSW, etc) so he figures we must be important.
4) He's hoping we'll pay him off not to nuke us. Probably with SXSW VIP passes.
3) The whole thing was a joke. I mean, invading with imaginary hovercraft?
2) He likes Austin, and figures with mutations we'll be even weirder.
1) He wants to be the weirdest thing on the planet, which means we gotta go.

Changing of the Guard

For Sharon, Esther, Josiah and Raine the Paine

(with apologies to A. A. Milne, Christopher, Pooh (the swan and the bear), and especially Hoo)

Brought to you by Simpers, the disposable diaper favored by Beefeaters everywhere.

Author's foreward:

This is NOT, repeat NOT, a political statement. Like most of my work, it has a "life" of its own, and surprised even me with the ending.

They're changing the guard at Buckingham Palace
 Christopher Robin was told by Alice
  They're going to throw the old ones away
   And install the newer models today
    Said Alice.

We'll scavenge some guards from Buckingham Palace
 Christopher Robin shouted to Alice
  The old ones have dried out from too much sun
   And their marching's as rusty as their old guns,
    Dear Alice.

We'll fix up the guards from Buckingham Palace
 Christopher Robin heard from Alice
  Though their hats are growing a black fuzzy mold
   To us they'll be worth their weight in gold
    Said Alice.

Go grab us a dozen from Buckingham Palace
 We'll use them to clean up the yard said Alice
  We'll have them do dishes and pick up the floor
   I won't lift a finger again for a chore
    Sang Alice.

They're KEEPING the guards at Buckingham Palace
 Christopher Robin heard sobbed by Alice
  They've oiled them all, hydrated them, too
   And I've heard they're coming to look for you
    Shrieked Alice.

Say hi to the guards from Buckingham Palace
 Christoper Robin whispered to Alice
  And don't press the trigger until they arrive
   I'm ever so sorry that you'll not survive
    Dear Alice.

You do hate the guards at Buckingham Palace
 Christopher Robin, I know, said Alice
  But why leave me tied in this house with a nuke
   And expect me to die here like some kind of kook?
    Cried Alice.

I do hate the guards from Buckingham Palace
 My name's really Shamus O'Leary, dear Alice
  I'll never be getting a shot at the queen
   With all of those silly old guards in between,
    My Alice.

They were changing the guards at Buckingham Palace
 When numerous pieces of Shamus and Alice
  Came raining down in a nuclear glow
   Thanks to a patriot you'll never know
    Named Alice.

Copyright 1989, 1993 Miles O'Neal, Austin, TX. All rights reserved.