Grown Up Miles- Adventures in Musicland, Part I

After years of not playing guitar much I got serious about playing again in 2009. This was prompted by a need for live music at church (singing along with CDs can only take you so far). I realized that the prospect of playing in front of the congregation didn't bother me nearly as much as I thought it would. That was a fairly big (if happy) shock. To find out why, let's hop into our 1967 Shelby Time Machine (the muscle car years were also the glory years for time machines, despite Doc Brown's later work with Deloreans).

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The first time I can recall playing guitar and singing in front of more than two people was at the Midtown Mission in Atlanta. I'd practiced one of my songs on my electric, but at the last minute chickened out of playing an electric in front of this particular group of people (who would have undoubtedly been fine with it, but I apparently needed things to be nervous about). So I borrowed Will Bozeman's brand new acoustic. As I walked up to the music stand (too nervous to trust my memory for the lyrics) I whacked the guitar really hard against the massive, steel, music stand. I tried not to think about what Will was going to say about the dent in his new guitar.

When I started to sing the music stand collapsed on itself. I nervously mumbled the first thing that came to mind, something about the magic stand I brought as a joke. I somehow made it through the song despite wondering how I could afford to replace this lovely guitar. My knees were knocking, my voice developed a tremolo, and I was sweating so much I figured the people on the front row were ready to build an ark. Everyone was shocked later when I told them how nervous I had been. ("You seemed so relaxed, making jokes and stuff!") And the guitar was intact. It was a couple of years before I played outside my living room again...

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I met a guy named Alan who wanted to start a band. We jammed a little and decided to practice some songs together (I had a couple and he had a couple of dozen). After two or three months, when I was just beginning to think that some day I might be good enough to play in public, Alan says, "I got us a gig next week." The phrase "panic attack" hadn't been invented yet, but I had one, anyway. "Oh, don't worry, it's just a small party at a friend's house. They'll have food, and we'll just play 20 or 30 minutes while people hang out. No big deal."

I practiced like a driven man the next few days. By the day of the party I was confident I could play a set for 15 or 20 random strangers who were all concentrating on their food and talking to each other. Background music, no big deal. We arrive at a pretty big house... and there are 20 to 30 cars.

"What's all this?" I asked

"Don't worry, maybe it's a little bigger party than we thought."

We carry the first load of gear in (two amps, a small PA, a few guitars). There's a stage set up with drums, keys, a half dozen amps and stacks of guitar cases nearby! There are 40 to 50 chairs set up in front of the stage.

"Alan???"

"Um, well, I didn't want you to be nervous, so I never got around to mentioning that everyone here is a musician, and they'll all be playing tonight." Further questioning revealed that the other bands had all been playing together for years.

Years.

We were on first. Of course.

Alan and I had worked out an introduction with a little stage patter. I have a vague recollection of forgetting everything and ad libbing something as Alan stuck to his lines. (I had the script on my music stand, but momentarily forgot how to read.) I fumbled the intro to the first song (Alan's song, my lead part). The next song was one of mine, and just as I started to sing, the mic cut out. Vague jokes, panic, somehow we got things working again. Maybe someone swapped mics; it's all a hellish, vague memory. As we started again, a string broke. Swap guitars, start AGAIN. I don't really remember the rest of the set except that the room was very attentive, much too attentive, rare specimen under glass attentive. My vocal tremolo returned. I don't recall ever flubbing anything so horribly in public. I was sure the applause after the set was either for Alan or sheer relief it was over. As we started to remove our amps and guitars for the next act to go on, I excused myself to go put some of the gear in the van. I stowed the gear, then stowed myself on the van floor where I sat in misery for a few hours.

Alan finally brought the rest of our gear out. "Where have you been? Everyone wanted to meet you and tell you what a great job you did!" We hardly talked on the way home. Eventually he convinced me that I did fine, that everyone felt that way some days ("though not to the extent of hiding and snubbing the hosts and guests"), and that if I ever did that again he would feed me my guitar and maybe my amp.

We had some crazy gigs after that (and I had plenty more running sound for a couple of bands), but no matter how weird things got, after these first two times playing in public, the others were all much, much easier.

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If there are lessons to be learned here, I guess they are:

1. It's not nearly as bad as you thought it was. It might even have been good.
2. Get over yourself.
3. Don't embarrass Alan unless you are prepared to eat a guitar and maybe an amp.

For the record, I never had to eat my guitar or amp.

Growing Up Miles, Pt 3 : And I Think I Can Fly

Did you ever think you could fly? Most of us have wanted to fly at some point in our lives. I've pretty much always wanted to fly. I spent a lot of time as a kid looking up, dreaming about flying-- as a bird, as a pilot, as an astronaut.... But did you ever think you could fly?

I grew up when the US was unstoppable, when we owned outer space, when we were well along the arc to interplanetary (maybe interstellar!) travel, when science fiction seemed less like fiction with every passing day. With the odd dollop of magic or fantasy thrown in (to transform into a bird or pterodactyl), I had the skies covered. We would lay in the grass or in the driveway and dream of flying. I might be a buzzard or an eagle, or I might be piloting anything from a high winged Cessna to one of the B-52 Stratofortresses that constantly flew over El Paso in the early and mid 1960s.

Or I might be on my way to other planets, other star systems, other galaxies, other universes, or just wandering the infinite depths of outer space, between any of those.

I might be an inter-dimensional being that flitted from one reality to another, walking, swimming or flying as desired or needed. I might fly straight through gas giants, or even dense planets. Maybe even suns. But not black holes. Nothing could fly through a black hole. The weird gravity would probably rip the wings right off a trans-dimensional being!

I wanted to soar through that clear, blue, infinite, Texas sky, on cloudless days, and when the wisps floated high above like too many contrails, and when the cumulus clouds stacked up like God's own bag of cotton balls, and when the rare thunderheads moved in. I wanted to fly before the dust storm, before the flash floods, and right through them. I wanted to soar on the edge of gale force winds, then turn and fly back the other way just to show them who was boss.

Some days, out of the blue (so to speak), I would be hit with a nearly overwhelming conviction that I could fly if only I tried right then and there. This might happen once every few months, or once a year. It stopped, finally, during college. One of my most vivid memories of 9th grade is sitting in band rehearsal, 3/4 of the way to the back of the room, up several levels of risers. My trombone resting on the floor, I stared at the music while Mr. McClintock berated some other section for the sort of heinous musical crime band directors berate sections for. Suddenly I knew, I knew! that if I tried immediately, I would fly. Not just could. Would.

I watched it unfold in my mind's eye. It was so graceful. I carefully placed the brass on the floor, stood on my chair, extended my arms. Heads turned. Mr McClintock quit swatting the music stand with his baton. I raised my arms. He looked angry, thinking I was mocking him. I flapped my arms once, twice, leaned forward and leapt. I soared over the shocked heads, some ducking, of my band mates, landed next to the director, then took off back to my seat, doing a tight loop along the way. I picked up my trombone, and awaited instruction...

Thankfully, I caught myself before I finished putting the trombone down. But it was a massive struggle to not attempt what part of my mind just knew was the first step-- and possibly my last chance at that step-- into a glorious life filled with flight. I agonized for a day or two over whether I had blown it. Did I mention this was in the 9th grade?

I don't recall ever giving in to these bouts; I'm sure I would have remembered the subsequent doctor's visit and the mockery at school. (I never got this urge on flat ground without witnesses nearby.)

Did anyone else ever go through this?

Or is this just part of the freakishness of being Miles?[1]

 

This afternoon I couldn't help staring at the beauty of the sky, at the mixture of clear, rain-washed blue and clouds both white and gray. P.O.D.'s "Alive" started playing in my head, and I was soaring near those clouds on the wings of a bird of prey, lord of of all I surveyed, drinking in the glory and beauty of creation from a few thousand feet up.

It was, of course, all in my head. But until the day I can really and truly fly, I can live with that.

NOTES

[1] Thanks to Whitney Fagala and Kelsey Jones for latching on to that phrase when I spoke it today. I wouldn't have remembered it otherwise!