But most of these same people express surprise when they meet my wife. "You're so normal," they say. "How did you end up with a weirdo like him?"
What they don't realize is that Sharon keeps up with me, and at times surpasses me. in weirdness. Just two days ago (this is all true) she went to the doctor and had a lima bean and a new potato removed from the back of her head. Really. That's what the doctor told her. A lima bean and a new potato. I didn't ask whether the doctor ate them. I don't want to know.
I also don't know how she had vegetables embedded in the back of her head that required doctor's office surgery to remove. Sharon claims she doesn't know, either.
This doesn't surprise me. Ask any parent whose child has required medical help to remove a bean from their nose or a wad of Play-Do[tm] from their ear canal. "Little Bobby has NO IDEA how that got in there."
You and I, of course, know full well how it got in there. Either little Bobby stuck it in there exploring, or a sibling did it out of sheer siblingtude.
Since my wife's siblings are all at least 900 miles away, I think we can rule the latter out. But she insists, and I have no reason not to believe her, that she didn't do it herself.
The only other explanation I can come up with involves the CIA and space aliens. Frankly, knowing my wife, that seems a lot more likely. She's always expressed more interesting in eating her vegetables than burying them under her skin.
Although, in today's economy, that might be the safest place to stash something for troubled times. Unless you fly somewhere. Then the TSA will know, and report you to the Department of Hoarding which will report you to the IRS, which will sneak in and cut half your rainy day food out of the back of your head, thus throwing off the CIA's inventory and causing friction with space aliens.
That's all we need, war with Alpha Centauri. With fuel prices as high as they are, the troops would get stranded half way there.
So, to avoid an interstellar disaster, please do not bury vegetables in the back of your head. The world as a whole thanks you, except for the parts to busy killing each other to care.
4 comments:
Behind every weird man is a weird woman! I firmly believe this in addition to my stance on vegetables in the head.
Thanks, Hons! I'm so glad you were able to figure out the mystery for me!
wait---Sharon didn't bring them home with her? Did the doctor deduct the bean and potato from his bill? Sounds like old timey bartering with the doctor, but it's only bartering if he took the produce off his bill.
CIA and Alpha Centauri aside, I have to say, this is a lucky lucky development. I mean, if times get tighter, you'll always have fresh(ish) produce available. In these food insecure times, that's nothing to sneeze at.
Of course, I'm assuming she can do it again.
(And, parenthetically, I don't want to start rumors or cast aspersions or otherwise get in between a husband and wife . . . but I think something like this happened in a Swamp Thing comic book. If she comes home smelling of swamp, I'd ask a few more questions. Just sayin'. Parenthetically.)
The food did not arrive with Sharon. I suspect the doctor ate the produce. I'll ask next time I see her (the doctor).
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